colored touch.

Saturday, January 5, 2013 

maybe I expect too much.
but I promise I thought it was only a little.
I didn't plan for any of this.
none of it.
never.
but it's how life works.
tosses you here tosses you there.
you try to fit.
and then you decide it's not worth it.
but then it all fits together.
because you stopped looking.
and the pink fades to grey.

so you give it a shot.
throwing your hands up in the air.
taking a chance.
it feels good...
this carelessness.
just to go with it.
and you do.
it keeps going.
then it's begins to solidify.
but now the greys turn into a pure red.

and again, you never imagined it.
and it gets better.
and better than you imagined.
but right now?
it's a deep aqua.
life is, i mean.

now you begin to care.
because now you have a reason to.
but you feel yourself going from the deep aqua to the pure red back to the grey then back to the red.
and it's all too confusing.
so it turns to a midnight black.

you realize that's not what you want.
so you go back to pink, where it was safe.
but that's not what you want either.
to go back to the beginning...
so the grey comes up.
the carelessness.
and it's good there for a while..
but it's hard to go from pure red back to the others.
so you give that up and go back to the deep aqua.

but sometimes that is hard.
because it leads to feeling vulnerable.
actually, it just leads to feeling.
and occasionally that's frightening.
because the more you care the more you hurt.

but they say it's all worth it.
so you go back to the pure red again.
and live with it.
only allowing deep aqua to make an appearance every so often.
but it's hard.
because you didn't plan for this.
for any of it.

so you decide to go to gold.
gold is nice.
but what is gold?
I don't know.
so I will stay there for a while.
in the insecurities and mysteries and adventure and terror.
hoping that life will fit here and there and there and here again.